Toad, definitely a toad.

Tags

12 step, aca, addiction, adult children, affection, attention, co-dependency, dating, depression, emotional regulation, personal growth

This morning I went back and read the post before my last post, the one about surviving quiet normalcy. I didn’t remember that one containing a male character and I didn’t remember so much fear of self-sabotage. This to me is good and not so good. On the one hand my memory is faulty when it comes to self-induced pain, forgetting what I have moved through seems to perpetuate a dysfunctional life. On the other hand, it feels nice to have completely forgotten my horror over my ACOA pal’s request for us to get busy. What really stands out for me though, is that between that post and now, I have grown a mile, almost imperceptibly. In 2010 I asked God to send the tests. With my whole heart I wanted to pass the tests.  I want to someday be a normal, healthy person with a normal healthy life and normal healthy relationships. I think I just did it! I passed a test.

My date never called. The quintessential reason most women hate dating. In this case, I pushed it, so it is not a surprise. The surprise is that beyond what I consider the normal pain of being left hanging, I am not that upset. This deserves monumental congratulations to myself. This deserves conversation as to how I have built in protections and comforts to survive, and survive well, the trials that life will continue to throw at me. And not just any trials, but trials of the heart, especially for me as an individual with a specific history of early parental neglect, continued abandonment, and abuse when it came to emotional needs. You see, romantic relationships are my Kryptonite.

My worst addiction is attention. It is critical that I never ever, for the rest of my life, even for a moment, forget this. It is critical that I remember that other people can be the same way and they may or may not know it. A twelve-step saying is, “Keep your side of the street clean.” To me, this can mean, “Own your own crap, take responsibility for your part of the relationship, and consider your own behaviors.” In this co-worker/date situation I enjoyed the attention, got impatient, and ignored my gut. This gets me into trouble 100% of the time. Giving up man-bashing, victimhood, the shame/blame game, and drama requires full concentration on myself. I am hopeful that this attention to myself, provided by myself, for only myself if it turns out that way, drives my addiction to attention from others right outta me. The expulsion of this life destroying addiction should not be confused with normal needed human interactions.

I think I am okay because have a quiet normalcy. I have a small solid life painstakingly built over two and a half years. For the first time in my life I am safe. Or I am as safe as I can be. I have a good job with enough income, benefits, and peeps. Yes, peeps. I have people who care about me, who I can verbalize my dating angst to, who verbalize theirs back, who get pissed off for or with me, who text me into the night and plan nights out with me out of solidarity against individual assaults or our common group hits. No drama, just professionals acting like professionals. I am hopeful that most of the time we are also acting like adults.

I am okay because I was paying attention. When I want to, when I stay in current reality, when I follow my internal signals at the very beginning, most of the time I can avoid unnecessary pain. This time I did a little of both. The bells were ringing, the red flags were at full mast, my better judgement was screaming, yet I pursued mostly out of curiosity. I was fully aware that I was also curious about this person and what they might be like outside of work. Another wrinkle is that having been exercising for three months has me sexually charged up. I love the energy, weight loss, and the lift from deep depression that comes with exercise; but the ramping up of my sex drive gets to be problematic. From my side of the street, my push to get a date was the biological search for a mate. This time it was me thinking about getting busy with someone. Fortunately for me, I am not impulsive in this area. A man can shower me with attention, and or take me on a great date, or on paper be the yin to my yang, but it is exceedingly rare that I will sleep with him even if I want to. This is because I pay attention to every detail of an interaction with a man. Nothing lined up with this guy.

Emotional sobriety is my quest. As a human being my need for love, companionship, and sex is just like anyone else’s. Unfortunately the very thing that is supposed to sustain me, bring me safety, peace, love, and joy; often causes me crippling pain, steals most of my power, and leaves me an open wound for a long time. Navigating my emotions as I insist on remaining in current reality with no fantasizing, excuse generating, acting out, or running my mouth, is a daily challenge with routine things. Remaining emotionally sober under the pressure of professionalism in a volital work environment with a toad, is gonna take Superman strength.

bc

Advertisements

It’s been six years, please don’t be a toad!

Tags

12 step, aca, adult children, affection, attention, co-dependency, dating, fear

This morning I have almost no thoughts on my first real date since 2009. My head is amazingly quiet. Really, really quiet. Part of me, I am sure, doesn’t want to break the spell. Part of me wants to keep this lovely experience wrapped up tight against my heart protected from my own pickings. Part of me wants to keep it in it’s own little box, separate from my inner reality of barrenness of affection and intimacy. I am not sure this date would have happened if I hadn’t pushed the envelop and that bothers me. When I asked my date if he was ever going to ask me out, he  indicated that yes eventually something would have taken place. He was very casual about it, like it would have just unfolded.

I am literally of two minds of this. A significant part of me is just like this. My norm is to be around someone for quite a while and get used to them. My norm is to interact while in groups,  across various settings, over time, observing a man’s behavior and mine. Normally I don’t like much intrusion and I positively freak at any touching what-so-ever. Normally I am very skittish postponing anything definite for as long as possible. There is a lot to be said for allowing relationships to develop at their own speed. But here, I have just contradicted myself. Can I tell the difference between something unfolding at it’s own pace, and postponing out of fear?

In this case, I pushed the envelope. We have been bantering around for months and I wanted to know. I had to know. I seem to like this guy, does he like me enough for a date? Let’s go, we aren’t in our twenties. Was I being honest with myself and him that I want to check this out and either it goes or it doesn’t and I have learned to not waste my time and thoughts; or was I uncomfortable sitting with my feelings as I waited for him to decide whether or not to pursue me. Now I sit with my doubts because I pushed the issue.

I am smack dab in the middle this time. A few times I knew for sure I pushed something that I should not have pushed and the consequences were bad to horrific. I think once or twice I have missed a relationship that would have been fruitful because I dithered or turned away. Most of the time, the man’s behavior has been more obvious than not, letting me see his real goals. Not so in this case. In this situation most is unknown. This situation is also complicated by working for the same company.

I have never dated a co-worker. Seriously, in 30 years of working not once have I dated someone from work. I have flirted, made-out, and hung out with a co-worker here and there, but not actually had a real drive-to-my-house-pick-me-up-go-out-bring-me-home  date with a co-worker. This was totally new.

I know this is risky. It is so risky that it has been my number one dating rule. In this case, our company is gigantic, we don’t work in the same building (he crosses into mine), our managers are from different divisions, and when we do have to work together, it is brief and over a very concrete issue. My hope is that either way, we respect each other and continue to work the same as before we decided to see each other out of work. It helps that I am not given to vindictive bitchiness. It helps that in a previous life, I have been management. It helps that I have been on the Pepto-Bismol Bed for two and a half years doing “the work” on my insides. It helps that if he did do something dastardly, he’d have thirty pairs of eyes throwing daggers at him when he set foot in my area. It helps that I now have “people”.

I am actually crazy excited. Thus far, I like him. I am the kind of person that likes everybody and nobody. What I mean is that every person that I encounter starts out with unconditional positive regard. That is a given from me. Generally when something not so great comes into my view, I look for the why and how of this behavior.  Most of the time I see the why or how, or at least I have clues to it. This is all I need. If I can find one helpful trait in a person, they can be a real challenge, but I will still like them. I like people in general. I am fascinated by human complexities.

While I like almost everybody, when I comes to romance, I usually don’t like anyone in that way. I am rarely interested in the men around me. So this co-worker presents a dilemma. I like him. I like him in that way. BOOM!! Right away I liked him. That is exceedingly rare for me. The last time I felt something similar, well, let’s just say that I can’t go there. This was terribly close to that and this time I am not going to turn away. This time, if it is so comfortable that I am uncomfortable, I am probably on the right track and that is the train I am staying on!

Until last night, I had only had one perfect first date in all the first dates of my life. Since that date, since that person, every first date, every person, has been held to that standard deep down in my heart. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve for someone to really think about what I might enjoy and treat me to it. I deserve good manners, attention on me, and earnestness while on a date. I give a date my all and I want that returned. So far so good, maybe there will be a second date.

I did not kiss my Charming Date. Rule number two is no kissing on the first date. I really hope if or when it comes to that, that I don’t lock lips with a toad.

bc