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downloadcntpeopl

I love this image that I got from the internet. I feel like this more and more. I have a feeling that this is getting  to be very very common in American Society. We are wearing ourselves out.

American work life is completely insane, yet I know that on a global scale, we are extremely fortunate. It’s weird to balance attention towards my own dysfunction and my place in my own society, yet have gratitude for my address. My thinking zings between the utter ridiculousness of the expectations of my job, and the peace I feel on the days that I “cannot people”, choosing to tend to myself well. I’m pretty sure that it is the pain that people feel in their jobs that propel them onward. It is probably also the case that the ability to be  quiet, have downtime, get organized, and prepare for that moving on, is how people move out of such jobs. And then gratitude for what a person has and what they may reach for keeps them rooted and provides some direction.

All of this is so exhausting to me because I have to constantly be in process with it all. There is a lot to hold in my head at the same time, while under awful stress at work.  I resent needing so much recovery time from work.  For myself, I hope a good deal of this is just work that I should have done in the first 25 years of my life, and didn’t get to; so I am doing it now.

Doing this work well into adulthood seems to be an even slower process than before because there is so much more going on – work, health, associations, children, normal daily activities, odd things like battles with dentists, the state, insurance companies, debt, and keeping up with technology.  It’s a lot of balls to have in the air and grow-up, or out, heal, or complete at the same time. I literally feel the weight of every single decision large and small. Everything does indeed matter because it is either part of something old that may be on the way out, or something new that I am trying to develop. Every dollar spent is either continuing old comfort finding but budget breaking strategies, or a deliberate move to improve my life today to have a better tomorrow. Because I have such scars from neglect or deprivation, everything I do is to compensate for that. Is painting my bathroom, putting up a shelf and adding cabinets to make it “look better” and like “I know what I am doing” or is it to make the room more user-friendly so I have room for my things and can add a means to wash my uniforms? Well, both, depending on the emotions going into it  and the amount of money in the bank.

Really figure it out.

For me, my DIY Life, my notions of DIY recovery, ferret out those emotions and help me spend my money better. When I finished my kitchen, I wanted to roll right into the bathroom and whip it out that same month. I felt like I was finally on a roll and “doing something” to move my life ahead. Then I remembered that this a habit that I am trying to break. It was “outward facing”.  It was a move to say “see, I am not a lazy looser slob”. It was to say “see, my place though small, old, and not well-kept (the building), is nice. Please say my place is nice.” My emotions wanted to be told that I was “good enough”.  Luckily I know myself enough now to be hip to what I was up to. Below is the exhaust fan/light I installed myself. I am a DIY chick.

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I decided to wait on the bathroom and it was a good thing because disaster hit draining my bank account more than I am comfortable with now. I over-road my usual MO to over-ride myself. Cool. Recovery does work but it is hard, long, and exhausting.  I have the money in the bank, a couple of days off, and no one to impress; so after writing this, I am off to buy paint. I am finally in the right frame of mind.

Relax, let it flow

Earlier today I was not sure that I could “people”. Thursday seems to come fast for me and I nearly had to send a text, as I did last week, that I would be missing my standing lunch with friends. Last week, my Wednesday shift was so horrific that I didn’t want to deal with a single person the next day. Today I felt a little of that. I really wanted to stay glued to NPR listening to the Comey hearing and insulating myself from my world. I actually had moments of forgetting that it was even “Thursday lunch day”. My phone alarm went off telling me I had 10 minutes to leave the house. I was going to cancel and stay in. But then I remembered that I am part of this group. I had flashes of us at other lunches. Memories of protests, meetings, field trips, movie nights, and conversations of things coming up suddenly engulfed me with warmth and an odd feeling of a spot at the table missing —– me.

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*NEW AND DIFFERENT* I would be missed. My presence, my energy, my issues would not add to the group, the annoying ones AND the amusing ones. Finally, at long last, I am beginning to see myself from the point of view of other people. I am beginning to have ideas about their perceptions of my reliability and connectivity. And I mean this in healthy, whole, “we are a good group” sort of way. I BELONG. Not being able to “people” sometimes cuts me off from PEOPLE who are MY PEOPLE!! People who have been put in my life to bring me along, literally and figuratively.  People who are part of a Welcoming Church which does what it says it does. I forget how welcoming these wonderful people are. Just when I think I can’t, is sometimes when I need to the most. Off I went, in my jammies, with my coffee mug and my rabbit.

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Lunch was great. Florabelle was a huge hit and nobody cared that I hadn’t showered or put on real clothes. I wore my torn, pink t-shirt night-gown, pink and white boxers, a grey and white with pink, apron, and one sage flip-flop and one with a big pink flower on a black bottom (could’t find matching flip-flops). I looked silly but I didn’t care. Showering and dressing takes time and makes me tired. I wore the apron because boxers don’t have pockets and I needed to take my keys.

When I got home, I was happy. I had energy, direction, and thoughts of upcoming events propelled me forward. From lunch, I realized I wanted to get important stuff done to that I could play better. I realized that I should spend the money on the paint for the bathroom, get it clean and painted, and possibly get a small washer before my vacation and trip with some of them to an upcoming festival. I got the bug to tend to my needs first, so that when my time off work came around I would know how much I could safely spend and return home to something nice for myself. This is all together a different way of thinking than I am used to. This is sustainable thinking. This is “I have to maintain myself and be able to stay as things are,” thinking. This is “I have to have confidence in the future, so I need to take care of now,” thinking.

The people that I am going on this trip with are excited for me to go. This is totally wild for me. Nobody is ever excited that I can, and have, accepted an invitation of theirs to do something fairly big. It’s weird to experience my minister’s glee over us attending this festival together. I feels weird to have another person so matter-of-fact about me riding with them and not beating the plans to death.

I came home feeling like I had a sliver of purpose.

Surprise! There was a plan afoot!

Maslow tells us that we need to belong. We need affiliations with family, churches, professions, areas of interest, and a community. These affiliations raise our self-esteem and confidence, and give us validation, and direction. As an extrovert, I need others for my energy. Yes, my job and my recovery  drain me making me unable to handle anyone for a day or three. I get so freaking tired of people. But I have come to see that it is in fact people who heal my issues of neglect and deprivation when I let them, thus actually giving me strength for the times when other people suck me dry.

I “peopled” and I liked it.

bc

 

 

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