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I had my exercise class today. I was a little tardy, but they hadn’t started yet. I like to parse out the behavior that I am changing and ferret out the new beliefs/thinking that helps me to change this behavior. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy hard at work!

  1. Good job just dropping what I was doing and going to class. [Believing I am worth dropping things for.]
  2. I didn’t take anything with me such as swimming gear or banking inquiries. [ I wasn’t going to take the time to gather the items and be later than I was ]. Upon getting home I further realized that I let myself off the hook of doing something at a time that I didn’t want to do it.
  3. I did not plan to run errands immediately following class. [This is about growing self-awareness of how I would likely feel. Per 12-step I do my best to not stuff my feelings especially with myself. I would be hot, tired, thirsty, hungry, and stressed from the re-engagement after a week of not being there. I knew I would be upset at missing classes due to covering for other people, a little out of shape again as this is a new routine for my body, and confused as usual over my-needs-v-and/or-village-life-decisions.

I don’t have a template for social flow between meeting my needs and the needs of others and remaining in communication while doing so. I did stop in the last day I missed to talk to them and let them know why I was absent. This was new behavior for me as I generally don’t think people even think of me, which I am discovering is just not true. I also saw my instructor as I entered my building and spoke with her.

Another behavior I am improving is registering for things ahead of time as places request. I usual don’t know about this, ignore it, or can’t do it for IT reasons. I always feel badly, and I know it is yet another character defect that I need to get rid of. In this case, I registered as requested. I suck at re-entry into a situation because I feel like I am being judged for missing, will lose whatever place I may have had, and I have to start all over again feeling comfortable with the people. Even things like this require me to come home and “process”.

I feel sort of like a teen coming home to check in and be checked on, then going on with my Friday and day off work. Maybe this is “re-parenting”.  Maybe coming home to think, write, eat, drink, and perhaps nap, is doing for myself in the here and now, what I didn’t get to do then.

Another success was that I took a risk and parked in the patient parking garage, not the employee garage where I usually park. I did this as a move to show myself that sometimes I am the guest and get to do guest things. Good for me!

During class I realized how much I missed it. I felt the difficulty and misbehavior of my unexercised body. I felt sort of out-of-it. My instructor gets a little short when we don’t follow exactly. I noticed a weird unawareness of my own body that sometimes happens to me. I think my brain briefly, unintentionally, and unknown to me, goes somewhere and my body just hangs out. I hate this the most of all my issues. I think this is the point where deep frustration began to bubble up making me wish the class was almost over. In this case, this thought shocked me because I love this class.

I hope I am right in the realization that this is a small example of my strong sub-conscious mind shifting into some kind of  self-preservation mode when completely unnecessary and in reality not helpful at all, but rather creating a problem. This is where a class would end and I just wouldn’t return because it is in fact too hard or I think it is. The bottom line is my entire experience today stems from deep fear of rejection. Deep fear of not deserving. I will remain on the outside even when I absolutely do not have to. AAGGHHH!!!

After class there was discussion about attending a cancer survivors forum the next morning. The other ladies inquired if I was planning on attending. I replied that I knew nothing of it, but that I probably would be there. In those moments I felt the line. A line I am usually on the other side of. Do I walk the line with these other people? Do I buy into the group for what it is and however long we are a group? Do I take the offer of invitation? And if I do, what is my commitment, how long is it, how big is it, how will it end? Can I comfortably fit another grouping of people in my life? I need belonging as much as I need air, but relationships/commitments have residue of Kryptonite on them. They can be my undoing. I missed classes in the first place because I cannot say “no” to co-workers who want me to work for them. I give up my own plans all the time. This is the “my-needs-v-/and/or-village-life-decisions” conundrum!

For me, an exercise class is not just an exercise class; it’s a public sprint through Erikson in about an hour.

I need a nap.