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One of my absolute favorite things in life is to wake up in the morning having solved problems during sleep. It is like waking up with an “ah, ha!” moment. I believe that these first moments are my best moments of truth. My brain has figured them out from all the data that I fed it and began to work out the previous day, or days, as is my life now. I often wake up to the real crux of the matter.

I think this is crucial to my learning and growing. Solving problems during sleep helps me to really feel that I have learned from my hard work. Things have solidified during z-time. I like to feel that I have truly gotten to the core of a problem, that I have mastered a process that will get me to that core again, that my brain is able to clear away extraneous debris freeing me to focus on the critical; and now as I rise, is pointing me in the right direction or verifying the correctness of that direction. Maybe this is self validation, I don’t know. What I do know is that these morning thoughts strung together over time with their accompanying work, are guiding me out of myself.

It’s the process of pealing of the onion. In the morning I have gotten to a new  layer. I want to return to journaling my “morning papers” because I think they are my best guides because they are very focused. I get easily distracted and easily pursue rabbit holes. Despite my idea of the impending end of my paid job, I love my schedule right now because it allows for this slow, tedious onion -pealing process. I love the opportunity to finally have time, safety, consistency, freedom, resources, support, and most importantly, sleep; to clear up “my sick thinking one day at a time”.  I cherish my small 32 hour a week commitment to a job that begins in late afternoon. I honestly need the time to get right with myself, to parent myself, and to keep calm, focused, and forward moving. I finally have a space of time and what I need to grow up. I can use this space to recover the areas that got truncated by chaos when I was young.

This morning’s papers clarified where some of my most deeply held beliefs about myself came from, how they got there, and why they are harmful to me today. This is what I meant by the “crux of the matter”. I am all about getting to the root of things. I love weeding, digging, researching, debriding, clearing, and cleaning. I am nearly masterful at getting straight to the real issue quickly and unflinchingly when it comes to others, now I am turning this onto myself. By going into myself, I am coming out of myself. It may seem counter-intuitive to get all about yourself to be a better person to others, but I swear it is true. I cannot stop hurting others until I stop hurting myself.

Rooting out false beliefs about myself happens in my sleep. I wake up with blinding evidence of how over and over again some false truth was taught to me. How over and over again someone else’s pain took precedence over healthy development for me. How over and over again I took in that false truth and believed it. How over and over again when presented with opportunity to over-throw this false truth, I could not, until now. Now my life is peaceful, stable, and full enough to over-throw my basic framework of inadequacy. I am not inherently inadequate, I was taught that I was. Unintentionally, someone else’s lacking became mine as well.

The unintentional part is extremely important for my growth in grace, humility, and forgiveness; first for myself, then for others. I have to forgive myself for what I didn’t know. I have to acknowledge that my insides were running the show because my outsides got truncated. My insides got caught in a time warp inside myself because isolation and self-deprivation are self-perpetuating. Until dug out, exposed to the light, shared with others, and fully faced with the lies that they are; my deeply held false beliefs about myself will continue to limit me. They will keep me from stepping too far from depression. They will keep me in the sights of PTSD. They will keep me under-achieving, under-earning, under my potential. The will keep me living in fear of success.

My ACOA share “The Laundry List as Expressed in Tardiness”, all on it’s own has the potential to catapult me into an entire decade of success if I continue to pursue it’s messages.

I awoke today with a crystal clear picture of why I feel I don’t deserve anything. The evidence pile is vast. And it is a pile of shit.

bc

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