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I have the compaq back. My laptop is so unreliable that I have learned to not count on it. I also have a Gateway Notebook that I bought for school because fits in my purse, when my main laptop goes down I use it. The thing is, I think that this practice just allows my insides to continue to assume and prepare for unreliability in general. I don’t put the work I should into maintaining things because I get scattered, then my scatteredness nearly guarantees that things will break down. Then the breaking down of things solidifies that I don’t deserve for things to work and go well for me. This pushes me to either give up on things or have back-ups in case of failures. Now, this can go two different ways.

When I can’t maintain things or be consistent, I could look at those things and decide that I don’t need to do them or be consistent in them; or I can push through because giving up isn’t a good option. I tend to be lax in repairs/replacements. My laptop isn’t an item I can go without. The notebook is helpful, but a full sized computer is best. I do need to be consistent on conducting my online life, this is not an option. However, my digital camera kept malfunctioning and breaking. I managed to get it working/repaired a few times then gave up. I found that as smart phones improved, the camera feature on those did as well (now far better) than the camera. Almost nobody creates hardcopy photo albums anymore, so this “hobby” has fallen by the wayside. Now, if my phone goes down, no camera. My Garmin no longer holds a charge, it has to be plugged in in the car. That’s a problem because my cigarette lighter doesn’t work. Once again smart phone technology saves the day with Google maps!

So, to recap, camera and Garmin out, laptop and Notebook in; however I need to get faster at updates to prevent crashes and picking it back up when it does go in for repairs.

Other things are on the fritz. My car needs many repairs. A mechanically sound car is not an option, but other broken components often don’t get fixed due to lack of money, time, or interest. This is beginning to wear on me. It is almost to the point of embarrassment. I feel ashamed of my car. I feel ashamed that I can’t buy a newer one. Currently I am grappling with putting effort into it’s interior maintenance. When it comes to an old car I am of two minds. One, I live in a city with city parking/towing/human selfishness, so it is not really a great idea to have a lovely car. Two, my city is God awful expensive so the cost to have a car needs to be minimal. Three, and this is huge for me, I only drive 9 miles to and from work. The condition of my car not longer has to be stellar to get me where I need to go most of the time. Now, before I travel out of state, it goes in to be checked so I am not 400 miles away or God forbid mid-way, with a break down. The others side of it is the emotional cost of a barely reliable, tacky, older car. I panic a lot while driving, the lonesomeness I feel about getting around while she is in for repairs is hard to deal with, and I don’t ever feel comfortable offering to drive places because of how she sounds, runs, or looks. Accepting who and where I am in life is hard. This is one of those areas that makes it harder.

My main printer/copier/fax has been down for months as is common for me when it comes to electronics. Last year I posted that I finally got my laptop repaired after being down a full year. At that time, the Notebook went boom too, so I had no choice but get them repaired. So once again, I have something down for a long time and haven’t dealt with it. This is mostly frustration. I am sick of things breaking, malfunctioning, needing “updating”, needing to be uninstalled/reinstalled, a “patch”, or expiring out of old age due to the insane speed of technology and a disposable world. I miss things like televisions, telephones, space heaters, washing machines, and clocks that were made of heavy durable materials, working parts that could be repaired, and were made to last. Okay, so my printer is 10 years old, still. My cell phones must last at least FOUR years. The last one only made it two (although I was pretty rough on it-it was too small, too easy to abuse). I am crazy careful with my new BlackBerry, I absolutely love her! My space heaters keel over after two winters, my forth one will soon be garbage. This makes me feel bad for my pocketbook and the environment. Lastly, I sneezed on a clock and it broke. No, really, it fell down (but landed on a rug) and broke.

This is a lot and it doesn’t even count all the things that need to be super-glued or go out for cleaning and repairs like purses, shoes, and my VCR. I have pockets to be sewn, stains to be removed, lamps to be re-wired, and a desk leg to be shorn up.

All of this is really about how normal aggravations of life such as navigating wear and tear of possessions, normal replacement times, and the pace of technology; are compounded due to all the shortcomings that come with insufficient development due to growing up ACOA.

This post is about valuing and respecting myself enough to take care of the things I have that I need. It’s about respecting that I am like anyone else who wants their things to work properly, be up to date, and appropriate to their social situation. I deserve to be able to pay attention to my transportation, IT, and household items. I see how normal things like this can trip anyone up. Normal things like this make it difficult to get out of bed. Normal things like this make people want to medicate with alcohol, drugs, over working, over sexing, over exercising, over eating, over doing. I get it. I get addiction. I have to take very good care of myself. Life is hard.