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Life Interrupted: The Verbal Thaw

In this space of time today, I am grateful for an artistic, diverse, poetic, loving Minister who can lead this cat. The grace given to me from this gentle spiritual leader and equal grace and gentleness bestowed upon me by my manager and assistant manager at my job; have given my battered soul reasons for hope. You see, this latest “interruption” was a monumental crash. It wasn’t just not my day, week, or year; it was four years of never ending disasters. It was more like an entire corporate computer network system was hit by lightning, then a tornado, then a flood, then a regional power grid failure, then everyone working in the corporation quitting, and then a blizzard. The initial evisceration ramped my flight and fight response enough to power through four months of near terror, keeping me going on pure panic level anxiety. Then clinical collapse ensued. This collapse necessitated a week of inpatient hospitalization, four weeks of day hospitalization, and six weeks of weekly check ins. For five weeks I could not attend my university classes, go to work, or leave my studio except to go to the hospital. I managed to keep my wits about me enough to save my job, but most everything else became a casualty of the ensuing natural disasters.

The power grid failure and corporate walk off left me in a clinical depression. Unmedicated, going into the dreaded holiday season, broke, cold, and with no one around; I spiraled into despondency. Alarmed, my manager and assistant manager inquired what was up with my recent behavioral outbursts. At home I was bereft and sleeping. At work, I was also inward and angry. A visit to a doctor resulted in my going back to the day hospital for an additional four weeks. This time through for a “tune up”, I was fortunate enough to have an additional clinician who is now on my list of people who have changed the direction of my life. This person assisted me in reaching into myself and pulling the authentic me out into the light, the room, and current reality. This therapist awakened a long dormant deep understanding of myself and my nearly suffocated dreams. I have felt the earth shake like that before. I know what it means to me. Significant life changing shifts in my foundation. This time through was no “tune up”. It was a brand new, all-wheel drive, loaded, with On-Star, transcending mobile to handle any weather to find solid ground on which to build a safe life.

It has been twenty months. It has been four years. It has been fifteen years. It’s been a lifetime.

Perhaps this “interruption” propelling me into the path of this clinician, was to aid the “…visitation aimed at waking [me up] to the fact that [I am] alive” (and apparently staying that way). David Rivard

Now I am medicated, there are no major holidays in sight, I have a little bit of a financial cushion, two people with whom to socialize, and hope for spring. I also hope to slowly unfreeze myself online via blog because I have a lot to say, and it’s good, and interesting, and deep. Forever keep’in it deep n real (wink wink JSK).